I hate my job (well not all of it, just the parts where I’m assigned to stuff my title doesn’t cover). I miss my baby sooo bad I’m actually rethinking about continuing my day job. The only problem is I worry that I might not make enough by freelancing and working at home.
People ask, “where’s your boyfriend?” he exists but as much as I want to keep things private about me and Dave, people still ask.
We don’t live together, only a few folks know about that. He tries to provide but I am the provider between the two of us. He’s not a bad guy, I know he’s trying to be a good father and boyfriend but his attitude and his family’s attitude seems to be a problem.
He hasn’t told anyone other than his father and brother that he got his girlfriend pregnant and that she gave birth four months ago!
I am actually starting to hate the fact that his dad and brother don’t seem to care about us either. Don’t they even ask about me and Fiona? Don’t they care that Dave actually has his own family now? They never showed up to see the baby when I gave birth, and now, I have no plans of inviting them to Fiona’s baptism! My baby’s christening is happening next month, I’m doing everything for it, my family is paying for it, and where are they? Don’t they plan to help out?
I’ve tried to keep these things from getting to my parents, because it’s just money talk, but my mom is taking it out on me when something is lacking or I can’t afford something. My baby’s needs are growing and everything else seems to be just… dying. My hopes, my dreams, my will to live?
Love? Dave says he loves me but saying it just isn’t enough for me anymore. This love he claims to have can’t support a hungry baby.
I thought LOVE can melt the pain no matter how much pain you get… But I was wrong because now I know PAIN can destroy the love, no matter how great love is.
I’m still trying to keep things together so bad no matter how hard it is, but I feel so awful! I feel so alone in this.
Edit [May 26, 2019]: This blog post was published for public viewing at first and then at some point, I hid it and privatized it. I felt raw every time I read it in the past.
I decided to open it again for public viewing now because I realize what I felt and thought back then were not something unique. While it was a dark time for me in the past, someone out there (or maybe a future me) might be going through these thoughts and sentiments and dilemma in one form or another, and I want you to see this. I want you to see that I survived this meltdown. I have good people supporting me and gave me kind words to tide me through the storms of my life, much like what Darren, Louis and Deb have done in 2006. You are strong, like me you can be strong. You will be fine. You can get through this too.