Love Just Ain’t Enought (A Personal Melt Down)

I’m tired.

I hate my job (well not all of it, just the parts where I’m assigned to stuff my title doesn’t cover). I miss my baby sooo bad I’m actually rethinking about continuing my day job. The only problem is I worry that I might not make enough by freelancing and working at home.

People ask, “where’s your boyfriend?” he exists but as much as I want to keep things private about me and Dave, people still ask.

We don’t live together, only a few folks know about that. He tries to provide but I am the provider between the two of us. He’s not a bad guy, I know he’s trying to be a good father and boyfriend but his attitude and his family’s attitude seems to be a problem.

He hasn’t told anyone other than his father and brother that he got his girlfriend pregnant and that she gave birth four months ago!

I am actually starting to hate the fact that his dad and brother don’t seem to care about us either. Don’t they even ask about me and Fiona? Don’t they care that Dave actually has his own family now? They never showed up to see the baby when I gave birth, and now, I have no plans of inviting them to Fiona’s baptism! My baby’s christening is happening next month, I’m doing everything for it, my family is paying for it, and where are they? Don’t they plan to help out?

I’ve tried to keep these things from getting to my parents, because it’s just money talk, but my mom is taking it out on me when something is lacking or I can’t afford something. My baby’s needs are growing and everything else seems to be just… dying. My hopes, my dreams, my will to live?

Love? Dave says he loves me but saying it just isn’t enough for me anymore. This love he claims to have can’t support a hungry baby.

I thought LOVE can melt the pain no matter how much pain you get… But I was wrong because now I know PAIN can destroy the love, no matter how great love is.

I’m still trying to keep things together so bad no matter how hard it is, but I feel so awful! I feel so alone in this.

Edit [May 26, 2019]: This blog post was published for public viewing at first and then at some point, I hid it and privatized it. I felt raw every time I read it in the past.

I decided to open it again for public viewing now because I realize what I felt and thought back then were not something unique. While it was a dark time for me in the past, someone out there (or maybe a future me) might be going through these thoughts and sentiments and dilemma in one form or another, and I want you to see this. I want you to see that I survived this meltdown. I have good people supporting me and gave me kind words to tide me through the storms of my life, much like what Darren, Louis and Deb have done in 2006. You are strong, like me you can be strong. You will be fine. You can get through this too.

3 Replies to “Love Just Ain’t Enought (A Personal Melt Down)”

  1. The worst thing you can do is be in a job you hate doing – you spend alot of your life working, so you’ve got to do something you enjoy.

    Your very talented, so I have no doubt you could work from home on your own business – think about reducing your hours, and then working on the business part time – that’s what I did, and when the business was earning a good income I packed in the job and now work full time from home.

    Keep Smiling 🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. I agree with Darren, doing a job that you don’t like, especially when you have other concerns on your mind is not helping you.

    I have no doubt that you adore Fiona and love your boyfriend but don’t forget about YOU. Keep smiling and for what it’s worth, remember that you have friends that care about you.

  3. I came to you through another blog site. I am sorry to hear about the trouble with your boyfriend and his family.

    I love the name you chose for your daughter – Fiona. I work with a software team in Ireland, and one of my team members is named Fiona. She is smart, funny, and is the mother of young children herself. I believe that the intention behind the name you give your child helps shape his or her future. My own daughter, Laura, was named after a family friend who is a marketing vice president in a Fortune 500 company. I always pictured my daughter’s name on a nameplate attached to an imposing door, on a large corner office in a very successful company. Well, right now she’s only 11 and I can’t get her to keep her room picked up so I don’t know how that corner office will work out 🙂

    In any event, it sounds like you are taking on the hardest job in the world – that of a single mother. My sister went through it, and I don’t envy you. However, remember that there is a huge support network out there surrounding you. It’s hard to force yourself to focus on the positive but you HAVE to for your sake and Fiona’s. Your natural instinct to give your daughter the world will help you through the tough times. Dig down deep – you have it in you!

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