When everyone needed me, I was there. To help with a code, to listen to a troubled soul, to lend money, to help clean up a mess… But if I need someone, what happens to me?

Bitter. Cheerful. Bitter. Pause. I have been living my life on auto-pilot.

Sometimes I confuse even myself and sometimes I no longer want to think about what I truly feel and just pretend I’m all peachy and happy. But pretending to be cheerful even on my blog defeats the purpose of having a personal blog. So now, I open up again and guess what? This dawn, I cried. Really really cried.

I haven’t cried this much since Chili died. During the moments that I wanted to cry –the moments that I should have cried (My yet another failed relationship, my departed angel, my friends’ deaths.), I placed my emotions aside and tended to everyone else, I made myself strong to be everyone else’s wall.

But what I realized too late is that these dark emotions has been eating at my soul. While I was laughing my pained laugh and smiling my moronic smile, a big part of me was succumbing to the dark depressing feelings…

My drive for life, my euphoria has dimmed. Everything I used to enjoy and still somewhat enjoy (my work as designer and as a mom) has become a burdensome obligation. I love my work and my daughter but have you ever felt the feeling that sometimes things have gone way too monotonous and just too tiring to do?

I woke up today wanting to scream, clawing the insides of my imaginary coffin.

Pre-birthday depressions? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not afraid to grown old. I’m excited to have my birthday actually. But there is that nagging feeling that I’m going to spend the rest of the month (and my whole life even) alone and depressed…

Until I found myself silently crying in a corner of my office wishing someone, anyone would take notice and without asking would give me a hug, a time of their life.