Scribbles

Not The Girl

January 24, 2006

I am not the girl you think I am….

I am an actress living my life as if I was on stage… I portray the character of a bitch, a radical, an extremist, an anarchist, an agnostic, an antagonist… a person without a heart, without a soul… a person who is sick of routine, sick of conformity, sick of conventions…

I am someone who pretends to be happy… someone who pretends to be strong… Yes maybe in some ways, I am what you perceive to be but I am not the girl you entirely think I am…

I am sensitive, pained, vulnerable, fearful and shy…
I wear a mask of indifference… a mask so tight that not even I am capable of taking off… a mask so powerful, I fear the removal of it…

Yes, I fear… I do have fears…

I fear blood especially mine, even if I am willing to shed it for a cause… I fear death, although I shamelessly face it and even run after it… I fear pain and rejection… I fear risks and I fear the outcomes of my actions… I fear betrayal… I fear loss… I fear I would not be loved…

This world has been perplexing… Society has eaten my dreams, chewed up my identity and spit the remaining dignity in my life…

This life has made me build my mask… This world has made my mask stronger… Is there something that can guide me? Someone to help me out? I don’t know…

I do not know who to trust anymore.. Don’t know what I really want in my life… don’t know where I am going…

And so I continue pretending to be the girl you think I am…

this is an entry from my old blog during college, just thought I’d re-post it again..

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