Guys… What the hell is wrong with youz? This week alone I had several demented encounters with jerks that I’m beginning to consider self-deprivation of any contact with men or have a change of sexual preferences. Ok I take that back, I know I could not live without the real deal testosterone-based secks machine…

But there really are men boys bastardized goats in human clothes that I honestly think the world can live without.

To start off: Zorpia (lol! not again?). There’s this guy who keeps sending private messages to me with his number saying he’s from Parañaque, asking me over and over where I am in Pque, and that he wants to make friends. Mind you he’s been doing this every month since September but I never reply because I don’t want to waste my time on people I’m not interested with (and I was already dating someone). The other day, I replied, finally, but not because I wanted to make friends, but because his asking got to my nerves. He caught me at the wrong time, and he messed with the wrong girl. Here’s what he said (and my response to it):

Ok so maybe I lied that I was near LP, hey Southland is one trike ride away, that counts right? Anyhoo, right after I sent that message, I noticed he sent another message saying I was gay (I think it’s the guy’s style of prodding me to reply?) in which case the following ensued:

You obviously obviously didn’t know me.

I know a lot of you say that I should be kind to animals, but this ass deserved the public humiliation all too much. I get really ticked off when people try to get the attention of someone by insulting them or doing mean things to them, oh sure that will woe them into your arms.

Onto the next animal story…

The next jerk sat beside me in a jeep on my way home from Alabang. The first half of the trip was as usual: siksikan, nakakaantok ang traffic… I was on the left side of the jeep, kinda sleepy and tired and still not feeling well, my brother was sitting right in front of me but we were both silent after I handed him a few coins for our fare.

The woman on my left got off near Shopwise when a sabit took her place (in this context, a sabit is a person usually male who stand/hang from the entrance of a full jeep just to be able to ride). I didn’t mind him at first until I noticed he keep staring at me (katabi ko yan ha). I was thinking ano kaya problema nito? I was wearing a dress but it’s fairly decent, as if naman it was showing too much skin? Ignore him.

What really got to my nerve was when there were only four of us on that side of the jeep, by this time, I kept edging to the right to give some space in between me and the guys on either side of me (unfortunately they knew each other). I would noticed he (the jerk on my left) would move over as well until our legs would touch again. “ang luwang luwang sa kaliwa mo, pag ako umurong pa uli tapos dumikit ka na naman, mamasamain ka na sa akin“. I was looking over at my brother who has moved to the end of the jeep if in case he’s aware of my situation, he wasn’t. Oh shit, I have to deal with this myself. So I inched over to my right and you guessed it, he moved again and just as soon as his leg touched my knee again, I no longer was able to contain myself. In a low clear voice, between gritted teeth and as much calmness I could muster: PWEDE BA LUMAYO LAYO KA SA AKIN, KANINA PA AKO NAKAKAHALATA.

The guy looked at me trying to make a poker face but his mischievous grin failed him. He snorted a laugh, “wala naman… (mumble mumble)” after a few seconds more, he left his seat and joined the guy on my right whispering as he passed: “hindi ka dapat sumasakay sa jeep miss kung ganyan ka”.

Uhm… Do you admit to sexual vexation, you dumbass? My brother took attention finally but it was a bit too late to be a hero so I understand his silence and the poker face, but soon after I had to smile when my brother started eyeing the guy from head to toe.

And amazingly, he went off the jeep on our stop! Ha! so you live somewhere in the subdivision. You better watch out coz if I see you again and I’m driving a car or a scooter or a bike or whatever, I swear to run you over.

Haaay, dumadami na tarantado dito sa area namin. Reminds me even of a perverted policeman who approached me while I was waiting for a taxi in front of Jaka Plaza (I was on my way to meet my huney) a few months ago. Do I look like a prostitute waiting for pickup? Bejebus, what a turd.

Hindi naman ako maganda or sexy or mukhang mayaman para pagtripan ng ganito. Bat ba lagi ako napag-iinitan? Tingin ko alam ko na sagot dyan… Boobs. Shit yan, magpapabawas na ako!

Ugh. Where’s a hero when you need one?

Errrr… not that. Maybe I should hire a body guard? Anyone interested? I realize now why I seldom go out without someone I feel safe with. I’m starting to think Parañaque is getting infested with jerks and assholes (which place isn’t?). I wish I had someone who I could run to. Someone who could gun them down or slash with his ultra magnetic sword or someone who could poke them with his chinese pick-up sticks. Huh? Wuh?

My mind just went elsewhere… Any advice you could hit me with to get rid of these abnoy experiences?