Letters, Life, Scribbles

I Felt Nothing

July 18, 2011

When I saw you in the crowd, I felt nothing. Just a relief that I finally found where you were waiting for me. Even if I was already two hours late, you smiled at me. I grinned back.

I’m not a big fan of your new hairstyle. Your hair is too thick, and I liked your Asian hairstyle better. Nonetheless, you’ve always had beautiful hair so I stroked a section of it and commented that it’s getting longer. How I wish I could keep running my hand through your hair, but I didn’t.

Our fingers brush as we walk the halls and I realize, I’m not completely over you. There’s that electricity I’ve always felt where your skin meet my skin that I have to ask myself, did that really just happen?

It isn’t magic what I feel for you. It’s just the chemistry that I’ve created in my head. In my mind, we are good together. Perhaps that it is real, but I’m convinced it’s all just my imagination. Therein lies the reason I want to let go.

I thought I’d get over you through the distance, but it made it worse. My dreams are a testament to that. My subconscious misses you a lot. And miss you, I did. I missed your presence, your arrogant yet charming vibe. I miss that when we’re with our other friends, you’re more enthusiastic than ever.

And I’m just realizing now that you’re not like that when it’s just you and me. You’re more composed… more serious. Is that a good thing? Do I bring that out of you? I wonder, do you even enjoy my company?

Maybe it’s just the insecurities talking, so let me set that thought aside. I vowed to not think anything of your actions towards me, and I will manage to do so for the rest of the night.

But then…

You touch her. Like I’ve never seen you touch another girl. Delicately, like she’s a flower in your hands.

You hold her. And I have never felt jealousy for so long that it burns my insides now and I’m still reeling from the pain.

How I wish I can inflict that same pain on you. On her. And I remember the night you wept for your broken heart, right in front of me. How do you console someone you love crying over someone else? And I nearly cried again because of the pain. Wanting you happy has always taken precedence to just wanting you, and I can never bring myself to hurt you deliberately.

I wrapped my arm around you one last time tonight. Just one more touch, please don’t pull back. Just one more touch… Hoping you wouldn’t sense my pain, my loneliness, my stupid jealousy. Hoping you’d only feel my love.

When I saw you in the crowd, I felt nothing. Just a relief that I am your friend. Yeah, just your friend.

I felt nothing. Or so I thought…

Please know that I loved you. I still do. Maybe I always will.

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