People say it’s only natural
Being hurt, being the fool again
And that I’d be free and loved
But tell me when, tell me whenHow do I go on, pretend nothing’s changed
when I’m already dying inside
you left a scar in my heart, you killed my soul,
you’ve burned a mark on my mind
They are right that it’s hard to just forget about something that has changed your life so drastically and so dramatically and nothing is more dramatic than having a child at such an early age with such an irresponsible guy. I know, I know objectively, I’m not the youngest mother around, and I know I’m not the most jaded mom either and that there are men out there worse that you.
I should have brought this up long ago but the hope of you changing stopped me and I think I’ve held onto this grudge for a long time now, it’s time to tell the world how good/bad of a man you are.
You destroyed me. You got me pregnant and even throughout the pregnancy, you mistreated me, you made me cry every single night because you felt insecure. And when my parents found out, you still continued on being selfish. You never told your family about me and my daughter and only during my time of labor did you have the guts to admit to your own father that you have a kid on the way. And up until now, you still manage to hide don’t you? Pretend you’re still single and don’t give shit about the welfare of my daughter?
You were never there. I never felt your presence. You never gave any financial support. During my pregnancy, I was the one working my ass off to save up for her birth and you? You managed to borrow money from me and didn’t even remember to pay up even till now!
On her christening, you were the one with the most visitors, they’re my friends too but you never shared any money to pay for the expenses even after the event. Your family never visited us to check on us, what kind of family is that? Unaware that their relatives have a family now? Not nagging about responsibilities you’re leaving behind. Tell me, does your father even ask if you have visited your daughter today and gave the support she needs? All the while I ate my pride and asked support from my family and relatives just so I could raise my daughter all by myself. I have yet to continue my studies because of you. It’s not my daughter’s fault, it’s YOU, your fault, your stupid ways! If you would just help out, I wouldn’t worry so much about leaving my daughter to fix my records and documents.
I hate you so much for not giving a damn. I hate you so much for not having the decency to help out with matters that you should take responsibility for. I was civil to you just so we can work things out for the baby and where are you now? You weren’t present during baby’s birthday. You haven’t visited her in months, we haven’t heard from you since I have no f*cking idea. I ran across Chico the other day, you asked him why he wasn’t present on my baby’s birthday, and I want to ask you the same!
You know what, I thank God everyday I was spared from marrying you (it hurts to get that diba? wala pa yan sa sakit na binigay mo sakin! Not even half of the pain) and I am more thankful that my family is here to help me pick up the pieces of my life, and keep me strong.
You have never hurt me physically, but the pain you inflicted emotionally and the chaos you’ve put in my brain has affected me and my daughter to an extent that I can no longer forgive you. I shouldn’t have named her after you. I shouldn’t have allowed her to use your last name, you don’t deserve any credit for being her father when someone else is taking that responsibility for you. You destroyed my youth, my freedom, my education, my future, and my soul. You destroyed me. I want to take back everything and I want you to pay dearly.
Colleen
Apr 17 2007
1:49 pm
He’s a fool to do this to you and baby Queen!
It’s good you let this out, you keep a lot in. I wish I were nearby, I’d happily take your daughter out and watch her so you can study.
So sorry you had to go through this and yes, there’s that positive, you didn’t marry him, imagine putting up with his ways daily?
You’re sweet, smart, beautiful, he’s a fool, just a fool. I’d like to hit him with a big stick, how can anyone NOT want to be with baby Queen, play with her, see her grow, learn… I just don’t get it.
I love you, stay stronger, you’re much stronger than me, and an awesome mother.
Colleen
Apr 17 2007
1:50 pm
I want to write one of these about Ron, sort of so people can see why I am at where I’m at too.
smarcute
Apr 17 2007
5:42 pm
I know what you feel (good thing I was not able to reach that sh*t).
Last time we talked..It’s like there’s still “hope” in you (feeling ko lang)..and I did pray for you to lighten up everything especially for fiona. its hard pare! and I’m so proud of you for being strong for your princess and for your own sake..I don’t know how to help you but only through my prayers. ano na?! inuman na lang! Grabe talaga yang lalaking niyan! PROVEN na talaga!!!
Zap
Apr 17 2007
7:52 pm
Thank you for sharing that Joiz.
It seems like it had been building inside you for a long time. I’m glad to see that you got it out.
Kudos to your family for helping you out and staying by your side. Families are great when things get tough and I’m relieved to know that your family was there for you in your time of need.
The father of the baby should be ashamed of himself! I can’t imagine anyone selfish enough to act as he’s acting and he is hurting you and your beautiful daughter. You will both be much better off when he is completely out of your lives for good. It sounds like he is actually a burden to you when he should be as helpful as possible. The sooner you cut that bastard out of your lives, the better off you’ll be. You obviously don’t need him. I can’t imagine why you’d want him. Cut that piece of sh*t loose! You don’t need or deserve the aggravation.
I can’t imagine what you must go through from day to day, but you are strong! You have managed to raise your daughter on your own. You are doing great things for your daughter, Joiz.
You are one of my heroes!
joiz
Apr 17 2007
8:52 pm
Thanks for the kind words Colleen, smarcute and Zap. You have no idea how it keeps me going knowing that I have friends even if just online who emotional support me.
I’d love to continue my reply but my daughter is having her I-can’t-sleep-by-myself tantrum so I better rock her to sleep first before continuing… I just wanted to thank you guys first and foremost
Colleen
Apr 17 2007
11:12 pm
Zap’s post made me cry, yes again.
Joiz, you can take comfort (or whatever you like) in the fact that more than likely, as your daughter gets older, her biological father will regret not seeing her grow, for missing everything and he’ll have to live with himself.
Most do mature as they age and come to realize what’s important, just takes more time with some, it’s unfortunate in this case, cause you’re both innocent victims of this man.
{{huggles}}
donna
Apr 18 2007
12:24 am
he deserves to go to hell. such an irresponsible guy!
joiz
Apr 18 2007
1:26 am
Just for the record, I didn’t post this to get him flamed nor to get myself pitied. If ever he comes across this entry or one of his friends gets to read it, it’s not about pride for me here, I’m not trying to humiliate him nor his friends. I want him to realize that this is what I feel and what I see happening.
Before, he keeps justifying why he’s not around, that he’s planning, that we are really in his plans, blah blah blah I honestly don’t know what he’s doing about those plans, if there really were plans. I’m not discrediting his desire to get this fixed but you should have made your presence known from the very start if you really were interested and sincere. You wouldn’t allow this to happen.
It pains me so much that you never acknowledged us to your whole family. Wag narin kasi nakakahiya diba?
It infuriates me that you were unfair when it comes to finances (anong akala mo sakin mayaman? responsibilidad mo yan, dapat nagkukusa ka na lang) Do you think I have luxuries nowadays?
It annoys the hell out of me that you’d only think of dropping by to check on the baby whenever it’s convenient for you and you haven’t done that lately at all… You get to visit your friends from this area but you can’t even drop by to check on your own daughter.
You got what you wanted, she’s using your name, now do something useful for a change.
smarcute
Apr 18 2007
8:51 am
one more thing…i think he deserve nothing..using his name for fiona is &^$%&%….
santos na lang gurl! mas maganda pa! compare sa…whatever…
mikmak
Apr 18 2007
9:05 am
How arrogant! My god, he needs a good smacking. If he’s having a hard time with his life, that is IF he is, he still should consider what you and your daughter is going through.. Is he really that good for nothing?
I think it’s too late to change her surname, isn’t she registered already?
joiz
Apr 19 2007
8:18 pm
Unfortunately, she is using his surname and she is already registered. But that’s beside the point.