Letters, Scribbles

Dreams and Smokes

November 25, 2008

I’ve only admired you from afar. For so long I have kept the feelings deep within the recesses of my heart, and at the back of my mind. I know I can only admire you like I would a star. And I admire you for your eloquence, your intelligence, your humor, your wit. And I admire you for how you make me smile, how you seduce me, and how you make me laugh at myself after because you tell me it’s a joke. I admire you for how high you’ve achieved and how far up I believe you’d still go.

I know I can never have you. You deserve someone from up there and not someone like me from down here. For you are an unreachable star, and I am just dust. Dirty and useless.

When you flew across the sky and noticed me, I thought maybe it was just a dream. But then you visited me so often and filled my eyes with smokes and shadows. Blue smokes that glitter with hopes that maybe you liked me. Shadows that made me think your presence is just near. You made me feel like I was special too. Dammit, I felt maybe it can be true. And so I allowed myself to fall for you.

But I now know I never had you. And it hurts, but I can never tell you. No matter how long we’ve been acquainted with each other, I can only wish I could let you know. But you belong in the heavens. And I… I can only long for you.

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  • Reply Shabby November 25, 2008 at 1:59 am

    *hugs joiz* Great entry. I hope things get better for you. You know what I mean. ^_~

    Shabby’s last blog post..Carry in your memory…

  • Reply lemonkalbo November 25, 2008 at 7:07 am

    gleng² naman! wish i could be as eloquent in my post/s as you are… ^__^

    lemonkalbo’s last blog post..not-so-much-action-packed long weekend!

  • Reply cerberus November 25, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    what if he leaves a reply here and says he likes you too?

  • Reply joiz November 25, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Shabby, Lemonkalbo: thanks *sigh*

    cerberus: please don’t put my hopes up. Really. He and I are not highschool students anymore I don’t think he’d actually read this entry and think “oh that’s me”. Only I could really know who. And if you’re trying to pull my leg and pretend that he’s you, you can’t fool me since he’s in the middle of work and can’t probably access the internet right now, and I really don’t think he’d make an effort of reading this post. 🙁 I know I sounded so defensive here and I’m sorry, I’m kind of feeling vunerable right now. 😕

  • Reply Snow November 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    Such a nice post Joiz. Unrequited emotions I guess are just meant to be that way….

    Just want to share something to you…

    A friend of mine reciprocate that unrequited emotions only to be disheartened because the person she longs for happens to be disrespectful, ‘a manloloko’ and a hypocrite. She now wish him karma as she was taken advantaged big time. 😥

    Lesson of the story: Not all we long for are really what we foresee. Sometimes…In such queer situation – true colors of a person emerge so please better be careful. 🙂

  • Reply joiz November 30, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Thanks Snow. Yes unrequited emotions can be bittersweet. And thank you for that sound advice. 🙂

    Yeah, I guess you really don’t know a person until you’ve shared an intimate relationship with them. And I cannot say that our 5 years of friendship is intimate enough to make certain that I know him. I also know he has flaws. And I know that he might be a different person all together if I have a relationship with him. But that’s it, I don’t see myself having a relationship with him. I am just his friend and secret admirer. Probably, always will be.

  • Reply Colleen December 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    Miss you, hope you’re doing well.

    Colleen’s last blog post..Adding a one page Search Box??

  • Reply joiz December 31, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    Colleen!!!!!!! I miss you too!

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